“Life’s battlefield is not from the outside but from what is inside.”, words of wisdom from one of my favorite Filipino writer, Bo Sanchez.
It is easy to mask once face but it’s hard to deceive once feeling. I wish to recall the past – the time of innocence. Comprehend once feeling without questions or limitations. The feeling which I and the Lord knew and understand. However, days are full of mystery and erstwhile wishes became reality. An unexpected confession awaken my heart and made me thought that we had a mutual feeling. Joy, acceptance and love was felt. But as feeling grew, the mind alarmed and began to question the mutuality of feelings. As the battle between the mind and heart arose, I began to pray to God for wisdom that I may gain peace. Peace that is possible when both the heart and mind collide.
My transparency revealed the true intention and reality. The mutuality of feelings could not overthrown the perception and pride of life. I realized that our feelings was not mutual but rather an illusion made by thy own thoughts which boosted my emotion, for he sees me as a prospect- not a definite choice.
Through knowledge, thy heart perceived the truth; and through wisdom, decisions were made. After an hour of an honest conversation, a peaceful farewell was made. I was not angry, but I was dismayed.
As days past by, still the heart seeks for hope. Then my mind whispered, “it was all settled and it has to be sealed”, but emotion won’t stop to linger. Days and months of hope drained my heart who longs for him to come back. But deep inside my heart I hear god whispers and reveals to me that it is not yet the right time.
Though my heart is in tears; I believe that one day it will soon be over. My hope was diverted to Christ and no longer to man. And one day when the right time comes, my God himself will send the right one in front of me and say, “This is the man whom I destined to you, may your days be filled with joy, peace and love through my guidance and wisdom.”