“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot.” – Eleonor Roosevelt
I started my morning with my usual prayer to God feeling exhausted at the same time because of not having enough sleep. First thing that came to my mind was, “Lord, thank you because I know you are turning things into our family’s favor.” It’s almost every day I’m declaring positive things in my life to uplift myself because there is no other person who could do that to me but- myself.
Working 6 days in a week is tiring. Earlier today, I didn’t feel like going to work; all I wanted was to stay on my bed and get some sleep but there was no choices left for me to choose. I wanna run away from here but I just can’t- because I’m locked up. To be honest I am dragging myself to work- going to work supposed to be okay and not a problem to me- but what I don’t like the most is my boss he eat all my patience. He has been my problem ever since I got here and until now it get even worst; because he puts eye on every single movement I am doing like clearing my throat, shaking off my uniform irritate him. I’m just a human being, I commit mistakes, nobody can expect me to be perfect at all times. I’m not a robot either; that only function when mandated -I am a human being, with free will.
When I perceived the scope of my work, I work on what I know that need to be done first. But- what if you are doing what is right and for him what you did was hilariously wrong? Because in his eyes all he sees I did are wrong and nothing is right. Eventhough he is humilitating me in front of many people, I still render him service, eat my pride and pretend nothing happened. But I’m getting very tired of this cycle- my cup is almost full. At some point, when I felt like quitting, I remembered my family and they are the reason, they keep me going. For their sake I will continue. For the sake of my family I will eat all my pride and take all the insults and humiliation that my boss is throwing at me.
I am trying hard to do things correctly to please him, but it is never enough. He likes making me look stupid in front of many people, make the right things I did- wrong. I think, he is more happy making other people look stupid or maybe because I’ve learned how to manage my emotion and just let go of his humiliation. Perhaps, that’s the reason why he gets even mad at me.
At the early period of my career with him, I don’t know how to let things go and how to manage the pain I was feeling, I remember, I easily burst into tears whenever he insulted me and made me look stupid in front of his client, I guess my reaction was a normal reaction of a human being who got hurt and was being stepped down. But right now, I congratulated myself because I have learned how to managed my emotion when he treated me like that. I usually fear him before, but now; I don’t know where I hid those fear. All he can see is a blank me. Apathetic. I guess, I am so immune now with his choice of words and action that cuts my soul. I never met someone like him in my life. Simple things he makes them complicated.
Lately I have been questioning, why is my life so full of hindrances? With all the emotion that I was feeling I felt like I wanna explode, because I cannot do what I’ve desire to be doing. I felt like I am in a pressure cooker that any time I will explode. I want my freedom. What I know right now it is only the grace of the Lord that sustained me. I am finding my strength from my Maker, the one who can fully understand how I feel- right now and even before I wrote this. I am tapping myself. Bamboo, good job today! You are good! Bamboo, you are a blessing. Bamboo you are never forgotten. I repeatedly thought of this and reminded my self over and over. I know I will face tomorrow with a lot more strength because I did not choose to lose today. God be with me.